Gospel Revolution
Near the end of 2021, my spiritual walk with God began to feel very dry. I found it very difficult to worship the Lord with great joy. I began to force myself to pray, read the Word, and worship. However, I could not find a reason for why this was happening in my life. I began to feel emotionally numb and more like a sinner as I distanced myself from God who seemed to have forgotten me.
I decided to attend this year’s Gospel Revolution, “No Greater Love,” because I wanted to re-experience the love from God that first convicted me to recommit my life for His glory. I thought that if I could be reminded of God’s great love, I would be emotionally filled as this new year starts. However, Pastor Owen’s message exposed that the love I seeked from God was something I created for myself. It revealed that I was redefining God’s love to fulfill my personal desires.
On the first night of the Gospel Revolution, Pastor Owen asked us a question following his sermon about Jesus and Zacchaeus: “Is Jesus the Lord of your heart?” The given answer is “yes, of course He is the Lord of my heart.” But, for some reason after hearing how Zacchaeus showed his heart to truly live for God by willingly giving 400% of his money to make up for his wicked past, I found it difficult to say that my heart really declared Jesus’s Lordship over my life. I felt guilty for not being able to 100% commit to God, but I couldn’t see what was stopping me from it. And then, the second night as Pastor Owen was explaining a hypothesis on why Judas betrayed Jesus he asked, “Is Jesus what you want, or do you hope to get something from Jesus that you want?” I’ll be honest. When I repeated this question to my heart there was a strong sting. My entire life, whether that was before I knew Christ or after I knew Christ, I expected something back for my actions. The reason why my faith was so volatile was because it was grounded on the fact that I was expecting what I wanted from God for believing in Him. But that’s not who God is or how His love is shown upon us. He already knows the best plan for us, and it was crucial that I had to wholeheartedly— I repeat wholeheartedly— to only trust God. Through the first two nights, God revealed the true desires inside my heart. I desperately did not want to admit it, but I still held onto my personal desires to be the best in my class and “succeed” in life while also trying to grab hold of my faith in God. I was being selfish. I was trying to fake it till I made it.
While trying to process what God revealed in my heart, I still had a question of how God would use these past few nights for me to better understand who God is. That’s what the last Gospel Revolution sermon was about: the disciplines that we go through in our lives. Initially, I could not comprehend what was happening in my life as I entered this very dry season of spirituality. I wanted to step down from everything— school, ministry, and relationships. Still, in the midst of this storm, God gently whispered to me that Sunday that His discipline is never a punishment because the punishment has already been given. “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness” (Hebrews 12:10 NIV). Dryness did not mean that He no longer held me accountable. God was using this season to challenge me to learn to fully commit to living God’s plan for me and understand what it really means to live for Him alone. There truly is no greater love or anything in this world than God’s love for us. The purpose for God’s love for me was always directed for good. So, why can’t I solely love, trust, and be directed towards God? Why can’t I be satisfied by God alone? Just as He has shown this love for me, I believe that it’s only the right way for me to give this love back to Him.
